What defines a relationship?

Today, I had a discussion with a friend over Skype in the States who is dating a guy since some weeks but is still unsure about the status of their so called relationship. She told me that another guy asked her out and she had to invent a lie to dump him because she couldn’t say “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” since she doesn’t know what she is. “So what is the reason now” she complained to me, “in seeing someone, have sex with him, do stuff with him and go out – he is still not my boyfriend. But what makes a boy/girlfriend now-a-days and is there still such a thing as ‘relationship’?”

After our conversation I started to think about the couples I know. 80% of them are in the common, ‘old-fashioned’ relationship, means monogamous behaviour, commited to each other, usual rules, introducing the other as a girl- or boyfriend to the parents. The normal stuff the movies still have as their main topic.

Sexy friendship or friendly sex?

But what about the rest who have several interactions with other people going on – what is always a kind of relationships – and they cant stick to rules because there are no rules yet for the amount of options showing up now? You are friends and have sex – sexy friendship or friendly sex? You are fuck buddies – does that mean, you just have a sexual intercourse with each other or are you allowed to see other people? You date somebody constantly and both are not seeing anybody else, but don’t want to give in since always another, ‘better’ option might show up – does that create an open relationship with an open girlfriend/boyfriend status? Both go in between with other people home but are still attached to their ‘partners’ and call them boyfriend/girlfriend despite having sexual relations with other people…? You have a distant relationship and personal contact happens just every few months, but the emotional atachment is so strong that you put on facebook “in a relationship with…”

There are much more variations – isn’t it a wonder that people become confused now-a-days with this topic in this jungle of undefined processes? “Society is changing” said a friend today “and we are the pioneers to experience the new relationship case”. We all know, it’s never easy to be a pioneer, and especially not, when you are still conditioned by the old ruled (“you shall not cheat”)  but the temptations are too big, life is too easy and fast and everybody is replacable. Why not keep the cookie and have it at the same time if you don’t define it, and besides that, why not have and keep other cookies? There’s plenty of it! It’s so easy to sell this new lifestyle now as as a non-defined thing going on – but does it happen because people are deeply convinced of sharing their love with everybody to transform the minds, or is it just a cheap excuse to screw around without remorse?

Keep the cookie and eat it

But back to me original question. Another friend had the thesis that three things defines a relationship: 1. Sex 2. communication and common interests. 3. love/affection and the commitment to each other without having any sexual related connection to somebody else.

The interesting thing is that sooner or later the point in every personal relationship the following questions will be inevitable: how much relationship do we have? In which direction will we go: the monogamous direction, the open relationship case, how much do we want to give in to the convictions of the other if they will sooner or later hurt me (e.g.: one wants to go in between with other people, the other one denies). How do I define this relationship and where do I want this to go? And is the other worth it that I might overthink my convictions?

Due to biological reasons I’ more that sure that 90% of men would love to have an open relationship where they can sexually interact with other women IF there wouldn’t be such a thing as punishment from their partners – either big trouble, broken trust, etc., worst case a packed suitcase and “I never want to see you again” – the power and control thing and, of course, the conditioned genes. Mummy and daddy didn’t do it, so you are bad if you start to cheat on your girldfriend. I wonder how the generation in 20 years will behave – I’m sure there wont be such a thing as a ‘normal’ relationship any more. Sad but true the number of STD’s will increase since the tendency in general is more and more to forget the nasty stuff you can get by having unprotected sex.

Being trapped by emotions

I know that it’s different when it comes to women. Not only because I am a woman and know what I’m talking about, but women are much more conditioned to monogamous relationships as men. Of course here is again the biological reason – they want someone to protect them and their child – but since we are cheating on nature now with contraceptives, they would have any reason to screw around like hell and don’t even need to feel bad about it. So, why is it that most of the women still don’t do it in big style and have an ambivalent relation to open relationships?

Here I have to say that nature was quite a bitch. I don’t say at all that men have no feelings – you can still see them crying when the opponent won a football game – but they don’t fall so easy in the ‘trap’ of emotional attachment and are more able to control their feelings which is, btw, to most of them “a sign of weakness and makes them vulnerable”. Oh yes, I forgot, we still live in the stone age where just the hard-asses survive.

I can hear the screams “But I love my girlfriend and don’t want any other girl” – what is talking there, the condition or the suppresed biology due to the fact that cheating is still a problem in society? Of course, if society would look like in Brave New World the word ‘cheating’ would’t even exist, but we are far away from such a huge transformation as described in the book. But, before I get bombs per mail: yes, there are men who are aible to love and commit to just one woman on a volunteer base. The rare ones

Women, oh women are different. They are the greatest lovers ever when they love, the draw little hearts on their notebook, they start to give the unborn children names, their endorphines do overtime and they have the strong faith the one they are with is ‘the one’. They might be so in love that they comply even to open relationship cases with the stupid hope the other one will change for them – and if they don’t, they could even accept a lie as long as the object of emotional attachment stays.

But also to quote a friend here (I just realised how many amazing friends I have ): Women are in love with the love itself, addicted to the rush of endorphines because it makes them feel to be on top of the world. Heavy stuff actually – are men in this case the more honest ones since they just want to screw and nothing else while women pretend to have more heroic intentions than losing some proteins?

Another quote of Mr. Brilliant: Men have sex way too easily, women fall in love way to easily, none is better than the other. That leads me to the question: how the hell did mankind survive if the biggest fear of a man is that the girl falls in love with him and the vice versa the biggest fear of the girl is he might screw another woman…why are we still here and why didn’t the system has already changed if it’s such a big mess? Because people are reassured when they put a label on their relationship?

Drama, Baby, Drama

I find it remarkable what a big drama is made out of relationships/relationships to define, along with the lies you have to invent to keep all your cookies and eat them. What a stress just because of so small words as ‘relationship’ ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’. It seems to me these terms become more and more abusive because people are confused and the terms come along with rules, restrictions and regulations regarding to them. What a big deal to say “he/she is my bf/gf” – it’s amazing.

The thing is: it’s all dependent to the importance you give them. It so doesn’t matter how you call your connection to the other person as long as the relationship is based on respect, honesty and the intention not to hurt the other one on purpose. If love joins it’s great, then you can even call it temporary contract on a volunteer base to make me and the other one happy, the label doesn’t matter, as long as you are honest to and with yourself and of course, to the other – anything else is very disrespectful.

Solutions

Yesterday I started for fun to write a handout about myself. Age, distinctions, diseases, appearance, character, issues, the sex part , if I prefer monogamy or pologamy, believe in religion, etc.

It was quite interesting and all of a sudden I had the idea everybody should have such a handout for potential partners. If I would know early enough that the someone I date with is convinced sciontologist (just to make an expample, no offense to scientologists) and I have a problem with that I would stop dating him and save a lot of time and energy by that.

Relationships: monogamous/open case/to be defined – that would be quite interesting but make things clear from the very begining.

Ongoing stuff: still in love with my ex/no current sexual relationship/wanna screw Heidi Klum. And so on…think about it!

Personal conclusion

This was a very quick essay, written in the middle of the night at 4.30 am and a room temperature of 33 degrees, so excuse the missing scientific sources – most of this entry is based on personal experiences, mixed with things I read during the last years, combined with observations in my close environment.

When it come to my personal opinion I can just say that being committed to somebody, if it is now calles relationship or not, is no sign of weakness and missing coolness. I actually consider it a strong personality to make in the world of unsecureness a decision – yes, I do like you, yes I want to be with you – call it whatever you want and put even a label on it if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing bad about it, the bad thing is just when you play games and hurt the other due to your lack of self confidence and insecurity…and you stick the illusion you can really keep the cookie and eat it. Forget it.

Besides: after you finished the hassle of chasing-someone-and-find-out-if-you-connect-or-not, the real fun begins. The having-ice-cream-with-popcorn on the sofa, watching old movies in old clothes, being yourself. Not to pretend any more or make a perfect marketing show of yourself but just be with the other and have a good time. As Nelly Furtado says “all good things come to an end”  so you could anyway have a nice time in mutual respect and honesty – then it doesn’t matter how your relationship looks like, if there are just two or even more persons are involved, as long as lies stay apart. But that also means you have be honest with yourself, a hurdle most people fail already at.

It’s almost 6 am and I go to bed. Good night, world!