A matter of fact

It’s a strange things with accidents. In one minute you are the happiest person on this planet, driving through the warm summernight, feeling like the king of the world, and in the next second you find yourself lying on the street, not able to move, and the only thing you know for sure is that the shit hit the fan. The immediate silence after the crash is defeaning, you start to wonder if the world still exists and if you are still part of it. Then: strange faces you don’t know, talking to you and you are so tired, sore, the body is burning and all you want to do is sleep and forget, wake up and everything was just a dream.

Since some time I’m into this universe-what-reason-are-we-here-for stuff, and since the day I decided to move on and left my past behind me life was and is like a big bucket of your favorite ice-cream and you can’t stop eating. And after a really, really miserable time in April life all of a sudden became so fabulous, so brilliant, full of magic, amazing people and a new reality. Still at the beginning, but eager to learn, having the time of my life.

“Yo, universe, wtf THIS now?”

There are just a few weeks left of summer and it seems they are screwed for me. With two fractures in the pelvis there are not many options, and so I lie/sit around, eat pain killers like candy and try to find a purpose in all the things that happened.  Maybe there is no purpose, maybe there is not such a thing as ‘the big plan’ of the universe and destiny, maybe I’m just a girl that fell from a scooter because an insane cat ran into the wheel – I guess I’ll never find out.

And even if (“Yo, universe, wtf is THIS now?!) I would find out, it doesn’t matter since things did already happen, but I have a very hard time to accept it. I feel a bit like a little girl who did something bad and has to stay now in a locked room to think about her faults.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining (Complaining form: fill in here: “Why do cats have to run into wheels?”….:D), I’m just a bit perplexed. One week ago I was still tired from Morocco, and now I watch the beautiful eclipse of the moon at 3 am, my leg hot and red and annoying. Well, at the end of the day it’s good I still have it.

At the moment I don’t know how my life will look like when this phase is over. Who made it into my future, who forget me. I didn’t plan this to happen (of course you never do), all I knew was that I wanted to rest a bit more in my fast way of living, to study more for myself – I just had no idea, how to manage this since life is sooo tempting with all the pleasure and distractions, but I guess I had too much ice cream. Well, be careful with your wishes, they might come true, in a very strange way as I can say now. I didn’t mean lying damaged around when I said “rest” and “study more”!

“I wish the ring had never come to me”

I can overwhelm you now with quotes. “Life teaches you a lesson until you learned it” says my mum. That goes for me to patience and acceptance – I am the most unpatient person in the world, and accepting that the world moves on without me now for a few weeks is really crazy shit. But as a quote says I came across today on facebook:
Smile despite the circumstances and laugh throughout the pain. Life is full of hardships but it is how you deal with them that will, in the end, define you. Well, true. I try not to be a whining sissy any more

Or Frodo and Gandalf, talking in Moria: Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

And so on. There are libraries about “how-to-deal-with-and-why-bad-times-happen”, I just need to find my book I guess, while thick, yellow shit is running out of my leg

The body of Johnny Depp

When I’m out of this f***ing stage, I might get another tattoo IF I don’t have any scares left what I really hope, I love my legs. What brought me to that (Anke a few weeks ago: “Naaaa….just one tattoo in my life, that’s enough…”) was something I read yesterday about Johnny Depp. Check this out:

Johnny has a series of scars on one arm where he has cut himself with a knife on different occasions to commemorate various rites of passages in his life. He says, “It was really just whatever–good times, bad times, it didn’t matter. There was no ceremony. It wasn’t like ‘Okay, this just happened, I have to go hack a piece of my flesh off.’” Johnny explains his self-injury,

“My body is a journal in a way. It’s like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist.”

Gotta go now, some books are waiting to enlight and enrich me. Stay tuned, I’m pretty sure I will have some stuff to write about the next weeks.

Love

Anke