Travelling memories

Today when I was doing some shopping in my favorite Chinese store and not sure which mirror to take the smell of jasmine incense sticks overwhelmed me all of a sudden and for a few second I was back in India. I could picture myself getting off a plane into dust, heat, sweaty faces and people people people everywhere. Strange noises and smells, an overkill of impressions, surrounded by colour, laughter, shouting, kids running over the street.

Most people think Australia, New Zealand, the States, Canada is cool. Having visited Australia I can confirm, it is damn cool and damn easy, but Asia…is different. I can hardly describe what it is, maybe the feeling that everything is more real, the food, the people, the happiness. I have been and seen people who are so poor compared to Westerns when it comes to material stuff but yet so rich when it comes to family, loyalty, faithfulness, love, always with a smile in their face and the secureness that thing will not be alright, they are actually already fine.

I remember the peace above everything despite the ridiculous packed streets, sitting on the terrace at night, watching the moon through the palm leaves in Kerala, being on the roof of a fort in Rajasthan, looking at people going home in the evening, laughing and careless in the dusk. I remember the food, spicy, exciting, tastes I have never even dreamed of but still dream about now. I remember walking home over the dusty streets, surrounded by the smell of fresh jasmine flowers, colorful Saris in the dark, the horns of the little taxis, smiling faces.

The problem is, when you go back to where you have come from and you realize nothing will ever be the same again. You try to connect to the person you have been when you left, but after some time you realize it’s not possible anymore. Yes, you live your life like everybody else, but in the darkness of the night you remember how life has been in a different place, how easy and simple, how something unknown was rising in you to find the way to the surface to explode in laughter and pure pleasure of just being alive. When you had the best it is hard to adjust to the second best, less life, less taste, less colors, less happiness.

Well, there are a lot of flights going in the future to India, Thailand, Vietnam and for some reason I’m sure I will be in one of them.

Cheers!

What defines a relationship?

Today, I had a discussion with a friend over Skype in the States who is dating a guy since some weeks but is still unsure about the status of their so called relationship. She told me that another guy asked her out and she had to invent a lie to dump him because she couldn’t say “Sorry, I have a boyfriend” since she doesn’t know what she is. “So what is the reason now” she complained to me, “in seeing someone, have sex with him, do stuff with him and go out – he is still not my boyfriend. But what makes a boy/girlfriend now-a-days and is there still such a thing as ‘relationship’?”

After our conversation I started to think about the couples I know. 80% of them are in the common, ‘old-fashioned’ relationship, means monogamous behaviour, commited to each other, usual rules, introducing the other as a girl- or boyfriend to the parents. The normal stuff the movies still have as their main topic.

Sexy friendship or friendly sex?

But what about the rest who have several interactions with other people going on – what is always a kind of relationships – and they cant stick to rules because there are no rules yet for the amount of options showing up now? You are friends and have sex – sexy friendship or friendly sex? You are fuck buddies – does that mean, you just have a sexual intercourse with each other or are you allowed to see other people? You date somebody constantly and both are not seeing anybody else, but don’t want to give in since always another, ‘better’ option might show up – does that create an open relationship with an open girlfriend/boyfriend status? Both go in between with other people home but are still attached to their ‘partners’ and call them boyfriend/girlfriend despite having sexual relations with other people…? You have a distant relationship and personal contact happens just every few months, but the emotional atachment is so strong that you put on facebook “in a relationship with…”

There are much more variations – isn’t it a wonder that people become confused now-a-days with this topic in this jungle of undefined processes? “Society is changing” said a friend today “and we are the pioneers to experience the new relationship case”. We all know, it’s never easy to be a pioneer, and especially not, when you are still conditioned by the old ruled (“you shall not cheat”)  but the temptations are too big, life is too easy and fast and everybody is replacable. Why not keep the cookie and have it at the same time if you don’t define it, and besides that, why not have and keep other cookies? There’s plenty of it! It’s so easy to sell this new lifestyle now as as a non-defined thing going on – but does it happen because people are deeply convinced of sharing their love with everybody to transform the minds, or is it just a cheap excuse to screw around without remorse?

Keep the cookie and eat it

But back to me original question. Another friend had the thesis that three things defines a relationship: 1. Sex 2. communication and common interests. 3. love/affection and the commitment to each other without having any sexual related connection to somebody else.

The interesting thing is that sooner or later the point in every personal relationship the following questions will be inevitable: how much relationship do we have? In which direction will we go: the monogamous direction, the open relationship case, how much do we want to give in to the convictions of the other if they will sooner or later hurt me (e.g.: one wants to go in between with other people, the other one denies). How do I define this relationship and where do I want this to go? And is the other worth it that I might overthink my convictions?

Due to biological reasons I’ more that sure that 90% of men would love to have an open relationship where they can sexually interact with other women IF there wouldn’t be such a thing as punishment from their partners – either big trouble, broken trust, etc., worst case a packed suitcase and “I never want to see you again” – the power and control thing and, of course, the conditioned genes. Mummy and daddy didn’t do it, so you are bad if you start to cheat on your girldfriend. I wonder how the generation in 20 years will behave – I’m sure there wont be such a thing as a ‘normal’ relationship any more. Sad but true the number of STD’s will increase since the tendency in general is more and more to forget the nasty stuff you can get by having unprotected sex.

Being trapped by emotions

I know that it’s different when it comes to women. Not only because I am a woman and know what I’m talking about, but women are much more conditioned to monogamous relationships as men. Of course here is again the biological reason – they want someone to protect them and their child – but since we are cheating on nature now with contraceptives, they would have any reason to screw around like hell and don’t even need to feel bad about it. So, why is it that most of the women still don’t do it in big style and have an ambivalent relation to open relationships?

Here I have to say that nature was quite a bitch. I don’t say at all that men have no feelings – you can still see them crying when the opponent won a football game – but they don’t fall so easy in the ‘trap’ of emotional attachment and are more able to control their feelings which is, btw, to most of them “a sign of weakness and makes them vulnerable”. Oh yes, I forgot, we still live in the stone age where just the hard-asses survive.

I can hear the screams “But I love my girlfriend and don’t want any other girl” – what is talking there, the condition or the suppresed biology due to the fact that cheating is still a problem in society? Of course, if society would look like in Brave New World the word ‘cheating’ would’t even exist, but we are far away from such a huge transformation as described in the book. But, before I get bombs per mail: yes, there are men who are aible to love and commit to just one woman on a volunteer base. The rare ones

Women, oh women are different. They are the greatest lovers ever when they love, the draw little hearts on their notebook, they start to give the unborn children names, their endorphines do overtime and they have the strong faith the one they are with is ‘the one’. They might be so in love that they comply even to open relationship cases with the stupid hope the other one will change for them – and if they don’t, they could even accept a lie as long as the object of emotional attachment stays.

But also to quote a friend here (I just realised how many amazing friends I have ): Women are in love with the love itself, addicted to the rush of endorphines because it makes them feel to be on top of the world. Heavy stuff actually – are men in this case the more honest ones since they just want to screw and nothing else while women pretend to have more heroic intentions than losing some proteins?

Another quote of Mr. Brilliant: Men have sex way too easily, women fall in love way to easily, none is better than the other. That leads me to the question: how the hell did mankind survive if the biggest fear of a man is that the girl falls in love with him and the vice versa the biggest fear of the girl is he might screw another woman…why are we still here and why didn’t the system has already changed if it’s such a big mess? Because people are reassured when they put a label on their relationship?

Drama, Baby, Drama

I find it remarkable what a big drama is made out of relationships/relationships to define, along with the lies you have to invent to keep all your cookies and eat them. What a stress just because of so small words as ‘relationship’ ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’. It seems to me these terms become more and more abusive because people are confused and the terms come along with rules, restrictions and regulations regarding to them. What a big deal to say “he/she is my bf/gf” – it’s amazing.

The thing is: it’s all dependent to the importance you give them. It so doesn’t matter how you call your connection to the other person as long as the relationship is based on respect, honesty and the intention not to hurt the other one on purpose. If love joins it’s great, then you can even call it temporary contract on a volunteer base to make me and the other one happy, the label doesn’t matter, as long as you are honest to and with yourself and of course, to the other – anything else is very disrespectful.

Solutions

Yesterday I started for fun to write a handout about myself. Age, distinctions, diseases, appearance, character, issues, the sex part , if I prefer monogamy or pologamy, believe in religion, etc.

It was quite interesting and all of a sudden I had the idea everybody should have such a handout for potential partners. If I would know early enough that the someone I date with is convinced sciontologist (just to make an expample, no offense to scientologists) and I have a problem with that I would stop dating him and save a lot of time and energy by that.

Relationships: monogamous/open case/to be defined – that would be quite interesting but make things clear from the very begining.

Ongoing stuff: still in love with my ex/no current sexual relationship/wanna screw Heidi Klum. And so on…think about it!

Personal conclusion

This was a very quick essay, written in the middle of the night at 4.30 am and a room temperature of 33 degrees, so excuse the missing scientific sources – most of this entry is based on personal experiences, mixed with things I read during the last years, combined with observations in my close environment.

When it come to my personal opinion I can just say that being committed to somebody, if it is now calles relationship or not, is no sign of weakness and missing coolness. I actually consider it a strong personality to make in the world of unsecureness a decision – yes, I do like you, yes I want to be with you – call it whatever you want and put even a label on it if it makes you feel better. There’s nothing bad about it, the bad thing is just when you play games and hurt the other due to your lack of self confidence and insecurity…and you stick the illusion you can really keep the cookie and eat it. Forget it.

Besides: after you finished the hassle of chasing-someone-and-find-out-if-you-connect-or-not, the real fun begins. The having-ice-cream-with-popcorn on the sofa, watching old movies in old clothes, being yourself. Not to pretend any more or make a perfect marketing show of yourself but just be with the other and have a good time. As Nelly Furtado says “all good things come to an end”  so you could anyway have a nice time in mutual respect and honesty – then it doesn’t matter how your relationship looks like, if there are just two or even more persons are involved, as long as lies stay apart. But that also means you have be honest with yourself, a hurdle most people fail already at.

It’s almost 6 am and I go to bed. Good night, world!

A matter of fact

It’s a strange things with accidents. In one minute you are the happiest person on this planet, driving through the warm summernight, feeling like the king of the world, and in the next second you find yourself lying on the street, not able to move, and the only thing you know for sure is that the shit hit the fan. The immediate silence after the crash is defeaning, you start to wonder if the world still exists and if you are still part of it. Then: strange faces you don’t know, talking to you and you are so tired, sore, the body is burning and all you want to do is sleep and forget, wake up and everything was just a dream.

Since some time I’m into this universe-what-reason-are-we-here-for stuff, and since the day I decided to move on and left my past behind me life was and is like a big bucket of your favorite ice-cream and you can’t stop eating. And after a really, really miserable time in April life all of a sudden became so fabulous, so brilliant, full of magic, amazing people and a new reality. Still at the beginning, but eager to learn, having the time of my life.

“Yo, universe, wtf THIS now?”

There are just a few weeks left of summer and it seems they are screwed for me. With two fractures in the pelvis there are not many options, and so I lie/sit around, eat pain killers like candy and try to find a purpose in all the things that happened.  Maybe there is no purpose, maybe there is not such a thing as ‘the big plan’ of the universe and destiny, maybe I’m just a girl that fell from a scooter because an insane cat ran into the wheel – I guess I’ll never find out.

And even if (“Yo, universe, wtf is THIS now?!) I would find out, it doesn’t matter since things did already happen, but I have a very hard time to accept it. I feel a bit like a little girl who did something bad and has to stay now in a locked room to think about her faults.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining (Complaining form: fill in here: “Why do cats have to run into wheels?”….:D), I’m just a bit perplexed. One week ago I was still tired from Morocco, and now I watch the beautiful eclipse of the moon at 3 am, my leg hot and red and annoying. Well, at the end of the day it’s good I still have it.

At the moment I don’t know how my life will look like when this phase is over. Who made it into my future, who forget me. I didn’t plan this to happen (of course you never do), all I knew was that I wanted to rest a bit more in my fast way of living, to study more for myself – I just had no idea, how to manage this since life is sooo tempting with all the pleasure and distractions, but I guess I had too much ice cream. Well, be careful with your wishes, they might come true, in a very strange way as I can say now. I didn’t mean lying damaged around when I said “rest” and “study more”!

“I wish the ring had never come to me”

I can overwhelm you now with quotes. “Life teaches you a lesson until you learned it” says my mum. That goes for me to patience and acceptance – I am the most unpatient person in the world, and accepting that the world moves on without me now for a few weeks is really crazy shit. But as a quote says I came across today on facebook:
Smile despite the circumstances and laugh throughout the pain. Life is full of hardships but it is how you deal with them that will, in the end, define you. Well, true. I try not to be a whining sissy any more

Or Frodo and Gandalf, talking in Moria: Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

And so on. There are libraries about “how-to-deal-with-and-why-bad-times-happen”, I just need to find my book I guess, while thick, yellow shit is running out of my leg

The body of Johnny Depp

When I’m out of this f***ing stage, I might get another tattoo IF I don’t have any scares left what I really hope, I love my legs. What brought me to that (Anke a few weeks ago: “Naaaa….just one tattoo in my life, that’s enough…”) was something I read yesterday about Johnny Depp. Check this out:

Johnny has a series of scars on one arm where he has cut himself with a knife on different occasions to commemorate various rites of passages in his life. He says, “It was really just whatever–good times, bad times, it didn’t matter. There was no ceremony. It wasn’t like ‘Okay, this just happened, I have to go hack a piece of my flesh off.’” Johnny explains his self-injury,

“My body is a journal in a way. It’s like what sailors used to do, where every tattoo meant something, a specific time in your life when you make a mark on yourself, whether you do it yourself with a knife or with a professional tattoo artist.”

Gotta go now, some books are waiting to enlight and enrich me. Stay tuned, I’m pretty sure I will have some stuff to write about the next weeks.

Love

Anke

Burning Hell – The Spanish Sun In Gibraltar

Summer is here, finally. After months of rain and wind it’s time for Flip Flops, short skirts and sun screen. For me, having spent most of my time in Germany, it is a miracle every morning to be woken up by the sun around 6 am. Of course I could put the curtains down, but once you have seen the red sun rising up, promising another day of blue sky and sun non-stop, you just don’t want to miss it. It might be that I will be one day tired of it, but at the moment I just get up and look fascinated at the sun, the sea, the white light in the morning.

It might happen I go to bed and try to fall asleep again, but the last days it was simply not possible, even if I had some days off. This morning I got up at 7.30 and spent some time in the morning sun before I left the house; even if it is a workday it’s my own short private shholiday time I sit on my balcony and read a book, having a quick breakfast.

I remember my months in India when it was the same, waking up (if I slept…damn chatting crows in front of my window) and being completely overwhelmed by the tropical heat, noises and smells. Here it is different, another type of heat, and of course I can walk around here in Flip Flops, a skirt and nobody minds.

Though sunscreen is now common to use in the morning my skin is constantly red. Not the lobster red, my skin already got used I guess, but the sun already makes is sizzle, I can almost watch it becoming red in the sun after 5 minutes. What will be in June/July/August? People here say you start to run for the shadow and I’m really curious; for me it can never be too hot, but maybe also I will be taught a lesson. Not the first one in my life

Good night, world…cheers to the next sunrise which will wake me up…;)

Beachlife, Bloody Mary and Before Sunset

I have a feeling that me an Mary, Bloody, become very good friends this summer. Blame it on Air Berlin, the airline which always flies me back to good old Germany, and it’s awesome tomato juice which is the only reason I actually fly with Air Berlin. It screwed me and the role of my favorite Cosmopolitan is threatened.

The weather was finally, finally almost awesome the last two days, just a few clouds but already hot in the sun (31 degrees, ha!), so hot, that I decided to put some sun screen on what I haven’t done for years. Wisdom of the day: go without sunscreen in the sun and you’ll be sun burnt. Awesome, my epiphanys, right?

My Saturday I spent getting slowly tipsy in the hot sun with ice cold Bloody Marys on Michelle’s terrace in Spain while Lucas, Frenchie, was giving me company although he was suffering from a hangover. Two hours later, lying on the beach, I was suffering from a headache. Vodka, tomato juice and sun are not the best friends at all, but there was no shadow and I started to feel a bit like the guys from The Secret History, great book, who were also all the time reading intelligent books, talking about intelligent stuff and Mary was always with them. Just with the difference that I used the book I was reading to cover my face from the sun…

“I can see our unborn children in your eyes…”

But without any doubt it was a great Saturday on the beach with friends, nice, casual talks, sun on my shoulders. Later we went to have some Tapas (the best thing actually about Spanish food) and ended the evening hanging out on Michelle’s terrace, watching the moon (pics will follow) and talking, about so crazy stuff that I was almost screaming cause I laughed so hard. “Now what do you say to a girl?” asked Cristi “let’s make sweet love all night long, you girl the most beautiful eye I’ve ever seen” or “let’s bang…”…my favorite was the quote from Don Juan de Marco (aaawww..Johnny Depp in that movie*love*): “I can see our unborn children in your eyes” what made me almost collaps when I quoted it. But all this Western stuff is nothing compared to the Indian perception of romance, so Norman and me decided to watch some Hindi video clips…come on, who can resist “the magic of a fullmoon night lies in your eyes”, whispered by Shahrukh Khan?

The grand final came when Norman and me were dancing to our cars, rumbling “Chori chori hum gori se” – I still have to giggle remebering it and I’m sure we would do a great Bollywood movie together!

Tarifa

Today was another beach day, this time with Nicole who I showed Tarifa for the first time. To be honest, Tarifa sometimes reminds me of Gold Coast, Australia, and today is was beautiful with the sun gleaming in the ocean, the only thing really bad is always the wind there which was kinda ridiculously strong today. I still can feel the sand everywhere even I took a very long shower, but the Pasta later in the small restaurant I always visit once I’m in Tarifa was great, as the talks we had.

Home I decided to give the neighbours some pleasures as I lay down in my new Bikini in fron of the house since our balcony has sun just in the morning. But they didn’t mind at all and when I look really close in the mirror I pretend I see a little bit of a difference between the skin which was covered and the skin where the sun was shining on…working on it!

The evening ended with some really good, inspiring talks and one of my all-time-favorite movies, Before Sunset. I can’t say how often I watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, but they really enrich my life and give me just a good feeling. So I go to bed today with a big smile – summer is there, I had an unexpected amazing weekend with friends (of course the “missing” part is still there but I learn to live with it…) and the next days will be just sun, sun, sun. Finally.

Goodbye, I love you all, as Shahrukh Khan uses to say

Me and my Flip Flops

Today, on Easter Sunday, I came to office with my brand new blue Flip-Flops which have pearls on it. Actually it’s still not that warm – in the sun you are melting after some minutes, of course, but in the shadow it’s still a bit chilly. Anyway, I’m a stubborn girl and with the beginning of April it’s summer for me in Gibraltar, over and out. And it’s pretty cool to walk in a short skirt, Flip Flops (with pearls!) and bad ass-sunglasses to office – then I don’t even care it’s Easter Sunday and the work I have to do in the upcoming time (most interviews). Anke, the social girl, ha!

But back to my Flip Flops. I was about to buy yesterday five pairs of it, but then I thought, there might always show up better Flip Flops during summer, so I just took two pairs. I know, I will find my perfect white pair with little shells on the thong which I use just for special occasions…actually, I’m wondering how I can use so many words on such a cheap mass production as Flip Flops (I googled Flip Flops yesterday and learnt a lot about them), but for me they are one of the typical noises in summer. Fffft-fffft-ffft – man, that’s awesome!

Downswing – Upswing – Rollercoaster…

I got some complains that I didn’t blog (the last years it seems…). A lot of stuff happened, and sometimes even me, the brilliant editor, can’t put it in words. Or don’t want to write it down. Goethe, my idol, said once some wise words like if you can describe a feeling it’s not true..or so, don’t remember the exact words, but my buddy Goethe always knows, what I mean. I adore him ^^ Whoever is able to read in German, have a look at his poem “Welcome and Goodbye” – it’s lovely! (And am I not an all-round girl, Goethe and Flip Flops in one blog entry…? )

Basically my world has been turned upside-down the last weeks. And that’s all I can say, you curious fans out there ^^

Anke discovers a new cocktail…ehm…

Yesterday evening I had a brilliant idea. I had some cranberry juice in the fridge and some Vodka, so why not mix it? And, surprise, it tasted awesome, and the colour! There’s nothing better than sitting in the hot evening sun and drink a pink drink made of cranberry juice and vodka…ehm…
On the way to the restaurant in celebration of a birthday I told my friends keenly about my newest discovery. “Isn’t that the drink you drink weekly called Cosmopolitan?” asked Henrik sarcastically and I was..words can describe what I was. FAIL, as we would say in Pokerterms. MEGAFAIL. Why should cranberry juice and vodka, made by Anke, anything have to do with Cosmopolitan, favorite drink of Anke!? God, I was owned, I can tell you, and rightly the butt of jokes last evening.

Plans

For summer I have some plans besides working, beach and party. To travel, for example. London, Geneve, Cologne, Amsterdam, India. Just for fun New York if it’s working out (one of my random ideas). Do something for the world economy and spend my money on the road. Things like that.

Ok, my dear fans, I’m off for now. Some work to do, some coffee to drink, some skin to be burnt.

Goodbye, I love you all

P.S. My current “Ohrwurm” (= song you can’t get out of your head):

Thougts on a Sunday morning

Sunday morning, 8.30 am. Everyone is asleep…except me. I don’t know why I woke up because I’m still a bit tired, but I used the time to register for the 26k freeroll on PartyPoker, had a look at my mailsand old diary and make plans for the day. Actually I wanted to visit another beach, but the weather is not so brilliant, so I don’t know.

Yesterday was a good day. Hanging around the whole day outside, a lovely evening with bowling, friends and Cosmopolitans. About the Cosmopolitans I have something to say: of course the girls from Sex and the City started with it, but it tastes simply great, so I drink it because I like it and not because it is cool

Suddenly I remember me standing on the table in a restaurant – oh dear. But far more interesting were the reactions of the people around me. Some laughed, some looked weird, some amused. Mmmmhh. Havent done it for years, by the way. Still feel a bit stupid – I’m talking too many stupid things and do too many strange things the last days. Maybe weeks. It can also be months

Girlie wisdoms

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman. Not only Tammy Wynette knew this in when she wrote the song “Stand by your man“. You have to be everything and so much more, and sometimes even this doesn’t seem to be enough. I remember one lesson in school called “education” where our teacher taught us a lot of things which were a bit – hm – unconventional. Well, he was also a bit unconventional because he slept with half of the female teachers until one got pregnant.
So, once (his son was already born) he came to our classroom, we were around 16 years old, threw his bag on his desk and said, I’ll tell you now something you better listen to and never forget. We, young an unspoiled, listened. “Girls” he said “if you ever want to be a good woman, you have to be the best friend, the loving wife, the caring mother of your children, the whore (yes, he said whore) in bed and still play the hard-to-get-game“. We were laughing, but I remember the deep impression his words left on me. I had the feeling, that I learned something really important for my life. The following years I practised his advices more or less (about this mother thing I can’t say anything ), but now, that I am 30 years old, still single, I doubt the truth in his words. Being all that and besides pretty, charming and entertaining is a full-time-job and I can’t say it’s all worth it because I got nowhere doing all this.

The thing is: being all this and maybe more can’t force the affection of the someone you like. From all the lessons life is teaching us I think that’s one of the hardest, that you stand there with all you have give and the other one simply doesn’t want it. The modern phrase is “He/she is just not that into you” or, in the words of a friend “Screw you, bitch!” To accept this fact when you really really like someone is hell on earth, over and over again. We have all been through this, right? And you know you will get over but you just don’t want to be over it – whoever saw 500 days of summer can confirm this.

“Dear” my readers might say now “why say a strange topic on a Sunday? Shouldn’t you read strategy articles for the tournament this evening?” Actually I’m a natural talent ^^ but besides these thoughts belong to my every day life. And I had a look into my digital diaries I was writing during the last years, sometimes smiling, sometimes bewildered, but – and that I have to say – I never lost my sense of humour. Even so.

I have some plans for the next time. Maybe a new haircut or a tattoo maybe…I don’t know. Focus again more on myself, read more…be myself. Things like that.

Will get up now and start my Sunday. And hopefully end up in the money this evening

Rain…feel it on my fingertips..here it on my window pane…

Saturday morning the rain started again after some days of sunshine. I remember me lying in bed, early morning, waking up from the pouring noise on the streets and in the air. There is no better place than a cosy bed or couch and a book/nice movie for stormy weathers, but if you have to go out…you most probably drown here in Gibraltar.

But what all heavy rains have in common in every part of the world is their own, very special sound of music which bewitches you for a few seconds before you start to run to stay dry what is most of the times an useless effort. The Monsoon rain in India is the most beautiful rain I have ever experienced; it’s like magic in the air, when the greenery around you is drowning in the warm rain. Of course it sucks when all your clothes never dry due to the humidity, but every rain will stop one day.

Actually that’s the only hope which keeps me still patient because the weather here slowly is giving me really really troubles. While I’m typing these words, my house is shaking because the wind is so strong that I start to worry a bit if the roof will be still there tomorrow morning (guess who is living under the roof) and I’m sure I won’t have that much sleep tonight. Well, we’ll see…

Nothing much to tell today. It was great to be back at office again and see everybody again; there was a very nice party at a colleagues house and I had a hot shower at midnight (it’s almost 1 am at night) and if I could make a wish I would wish myself company in this stormy night because I’m seriously a bit afraid of my shaking house with strange noises I have never heard before. Well, but since I don’t have a wish free I will try to be a brave girl and sleep without hiding the whole time under the blanket.

Good night, world!

The “open relationship” case

Today, I got up and put almost one hour of effort in my outfit, hair, Make-Up, feeling much better. No glasses any more (had a pink eye last week), new contact lenses – yeah, ready to work.

“What are you doing here?” was the first question I received when I came to office. Ya well, I know the doctor wrote I am also supposed to stay home today but feeling much better…well, my happiness lasted at least 10 minutes, before HR told me to go home due to insurance reason. Great. I almost started begging (“Please don’t send me home! Over 200 mails are waiting for my reply…”) but finally I had to go.
I can tell you, this place on earth can be nice, but in January it’s a complete wet, windy mess. My Indian umbrella is still surviving, my hair was not and my make-up started slowly to run down my face when I reached home, looking like a wet cat. I have never seen such an amount of rain, not even in India during Monsoon. And so I’m sitting here again in my bed, drinking drinking drinking (water), working, reading, not watching movies (boooring) and thinking about life.

Why? The “open relationship” case

Yesterday evening I got a mail from a friend of mine which really shocked me. She had a nice, handsome boyfriend, everything seemed pretty ok. Of course both of them were busy but managed to see each other in a while. Well, now it turned out he has “another someone” and asked my friend if she wants to have an open relationship. My great, lovely, adorable, strong friend refused – of course she did – and that’s the end of the story, of long months building up trust and love.

I’m still bewildered from that story. Who is a Macho ass and has also an open relationship might not want to read my next sentences, so be warned.

I so don’t get even the phrase “open relationship”. Isn’t that an Oxymoron (contradiction) in itself? Why do you even call it then relationship? “Fuckbuddy once I’m around” is a much better description in my sense of understanding. Why can’t you tell before that you are not able to love just one girl? I’m pretty sure that would solve a lot of problems (“Fuck off, asshole” lol).

The relationship I’m used to has a lot to do with commitment, trust, faithfulness, love and, at least, monogamy, and indeed nothing with occasional sex. It might be  old fashioned but even when I was 20, living in a student hostel and had a 19 year old flatmate who had an “open relationship” who had a lot of girl around I just didn’t get what the great freedom in this is.

Maybe these times are paradise for men. I remember a quote by Celine from one of my favorite movies Before Sunrise “You know, I have this awful paranoid thought that feminism was mostly invented by men so that they could like, fool around a little more. You know, women, free your minds, free your bodies, sleep with me. We’re all happy and free as long as I can fuck as much as I want.” It would be far too much to talk now about equal rights of men and woman and being respected as a woman in the same way a man is respected if women behave exactly the same way as man. But I’m seriously wondering where this is all going to. Are the temptations now-a-days so strong because nobody cares any more about faithfulness, etc. and you can have whoever you want whenever you want? Or is it simply, that nobody wants to adjust any more? I mean, is this “open relationship case” the thing every men always wanted to have to and we women need to accept otherwise the man we love disappears?

Maybe me and my girls are discarded models because we still believe in our values I mentioned above. We might not be every-party-night-out-hot-chick and the thrill of chasing (what is quite normal I guess), but besides fast-sex-with-a-drunk-or-not-so-drunk-head we have so much more to offer: someone to rely on, to believe in, who cares, who loves, who will not go away if it’s getting difficult. Who will give the stars and the moon to the someone we love and much more. A home, a place to be.

But, after all, I start slowly to think that’s not what men want. Or maybe we and I met the wrong guys. I just don’t know. And of course there are men outside who are different.
I wish I could write something hopeful for all the girls and women outside with a broken heart because the one’s they love don’t see them or don’t want to see the great chance they are missing because stupid cheap chicks are more tempting. Mmmhhh. But, girls, as long as you have friends who stand by you and still believe in yourself, you’ll be fine – says the expert

Take care!

The emptyness in someone’s life

The last 24 hours were the most painful, boring and simply not best time here in Gibraltar. I had a feeling but yesterday evening (of course, Sunday evening) the feeling was confirmed and I was almost dying of pain when I drove to the hospital. It was nothing serious, a simple cystitis (the girls will know what I mean) but I’m always wondering how such a normal, usual, simple thing makes me almost mad. I remember me sitting there, body bent over and feeling very very lonely. Suddenly you notice you are alone in a new country, nobody has a clue where you are and the pain is killing you but only slowly so you suffer more.

When I went to the Emergency there was a guy sitting in a wheel chair, in football outfit, dark hair, very cute what I still noticed in my pain. He was doing the stretching before a football match and couldnt move any more out of a sudden. So we both were sitting there, while I had to give the receptionist a very embarrassing, detailed description of my symptons and the colour of my urin – I blushed, you can believe it, while the guy tried not to listen. I was wondering what would have happened if we would have meet under different circumstances, not me with my glasses, no make up, hair boring, very pale…I hope he is fine now. I didn’t see him any more because we disappeared in different directions.

The nurse and the doctor were looking at me, standing with one leg apart, arms crossed. “What are your symptoms? How do you know you have a urin infection? Bla bla…” while I was nearly passing out because the pain was spreading now everywhere and I saw red circle in front of my eyes. Finally they decided to gave me antibiotics (hooray!) and some pain killers – an injection in my bum – Guys, I can tell you, they have really nice stuff there, I was later floating the way out, completely on drugs. Singing loud and cheerfully and very wrong in my car while I was driving and giggling the whole time… Nice docs

The day at home

Today I had to stay at home. I’m also supposed to stay home tomorrow, but I feel so much better and seriously, I cant stay one day home any more because it’s so fucking boring! I watched two movies today, tried to read, slept, worked, talked to some people on Skype, played Strip Poker on Facebook and was slowly becoming depressed. My life is so…empty. I mean I have a lot of friends (in Germany and all over the world means not here) and some really really nice people at work. Who were working today. But also my books can’t give me satisfaction any more (maybe I should read the Twilight-Saga again but after that I have again the Edward complex) and movies and me..well..I don’t even need a TV and some movies are nice, but I’m simply not the woman who likes to watch movies the whole time. It’s boring.

I was trying to think what I did earlier when I was younger. Little secret: I was knitting but here in Gibraltar I can’t knit, nobody needs a scarf and my reputation will be ruined. Hm. I also can’t go out every evening and get drunk to avoid thinking about my life, that’s pretty unhealthy and after some time also boring. What are the other people doing? Well, most of my girls have a boyfriend/husband/children. I bet especially the mothers would be happy to have some more time for themselves, but for me it’s too much. It reminds me too much of what I not have. That sounds sooo depressing lol but I’m fine. I think so.

Plan for 2010: find something which fulfills me. Something not someone. After I’m fine again, of course. I seriously think about joining the gym to do some sports, to be so done and sweaty that I don’t have time any more to think about things I should avoid.

Let’s see how it works out…;)